Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous

Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*

I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”

My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.

4: I’m hungry.

Me: Want some eggs?

4: No.

Me: Yogurt?

4: No.

Me: Frosted Flakes?

4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??

Me: Would you like some?

4: No.

“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders

Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.

I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter

Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.

tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home

We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move

Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?

Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.

My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.

Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.

Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.

day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me

It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here

If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.

Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down

All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.

i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious

Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.

BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.

Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.

Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

handsome & gretel