Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.

If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.

Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy

coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus

Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple

Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back

Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.

Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts

*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*

me: one taco plz

“Bro, this is Subway”

me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz

You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.

My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth

She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face

He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.

3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in

How was your morning?

As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.

Best part about marriage?

NO MORE CONDOMS!!!

Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.

By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.

Him: you’re not wearing pants?

Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?

Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?

Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!

[texting with new girlfriend]

Her: What are you doing tonight?

Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp

Her: You’re adorable

My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker

Classic case of counter terrorism

Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.

doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?

me: i’m doing my best

doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?

me: best doesn’t mean good

At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.

At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”

I like this way better.

the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.

I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say

People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.