Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”

I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament

doctor: you’re completely blind

me: what are you saying

doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf

me: what

doctor: oh right

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.

Walgreens guy: You still need to leave

My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth

ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple

ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.

My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.

Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.

I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top

ME: *trying to highlight text*

WORD: and the last letter of previous word?

ME: no, why? just follow my cursor

WORD: ok so just half this word?

ME: the whole word

WORD: k

ME: wtf

WORD: oops

ME: the word is gone

WORD: the word is gone

Pigeon open mic night.

He’s cranky this morning

After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.

In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.

Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.

😂

The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.

Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.

When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread

WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.

[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]

My Financial Advisor:

“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.

came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.

I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…

“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”

Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.

[at the auto parts store]

Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler

Counter Guy: What size engine