Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i always wear cargo shorts

professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry

me: oh here have a gatorade

professor x: thanks man

Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers

Note to self: always read the final line

I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…

Now I have kenny logins.

#dangerzone

American voters doing the deep research today before voting.

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.

“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.

Me: I brought hay, but I don’t think I can fit much inside me.

HR: Did… did you think we were hiring an assistant manger?

When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.

Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.

[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer

*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.

Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight

Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-

Date: aww

Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*

My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life

My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane

I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing

boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude

a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway

I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.

Me: Now do you believe me?

Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.

Me: Then who made all that ice?

Wife: *walks away*

Me: WHO?!

btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing

[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]

Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!