Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there

us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour

Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.

Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.

Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?

Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.

How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool

” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”

Me if I was on the Titanic.

PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story

AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something

me: I should go to sleep

my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.

my heart: everyone is mad at you.

my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!

The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude

[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp

I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster

the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B

If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,

We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again

At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die

*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*

My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.

“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”

*proposes to girlfriend*

*accidentally drops ring in the street*

“I’ll still marry you”

Sorry, I’m married to the streets now

Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.

Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this

First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.

I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

The symmetry is uncanny.

I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.