Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team

ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*

EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?

One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao

I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes

another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????

Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.

Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?

My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.

RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!

Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild

[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”

ME: *Lips on mic* No.

JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?

In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.

today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

I’m THIS MANY drunk!!

*holds up waffle*

Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.

*sees a talking Batman cup*

Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die

Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.

[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis

If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name lol.

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.

Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*

It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.

Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)

Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?

Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.

Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.