[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
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Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Put a ring on it
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
LOL
❤️❤️❤️
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.