courtroom exchange of the day
You Might Also Like
So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.