courtroom exchange of the day
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Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
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Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.
Parenting is fun.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
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Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.