[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
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When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Sometimes I spell my name (bob) backwards just to see who’s paying attention.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro