Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint

-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume

Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.

Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.

Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again

[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”

*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*

“Oh.”

Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.

Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.

Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.

Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.

Ketchup Packet: haha nope.

Me: come on man please.

Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.

Me: uh what?

Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.

Me: ugh fine.

[ketchup explodes everywhere]

Ketchup Packet: lol.

STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!

Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win

Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.

Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.

People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.

Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.

Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then

[in deep space]

Everyone: [in hypersleep]

Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]

If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.

My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?

Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.

Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.

Me driving through Toronto

[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]

“I brought chicken”