Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)

Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*

7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.

Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.

the dark web is just a goth google.

I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit

If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.

🤣

Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’

“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron

Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*

Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.

don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness

Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me

Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

May you never lose your sense of wonder.

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

Stop everything. Everybody shut up

There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no

Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA

Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring

The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.

Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks

Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.

Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.