Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.

My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go

If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]

Me: can I borrow $20?

Friend: No.

*slides him $50*

Me: how about now?

Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?

Me: can I go to the bathroom?

Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting

Me: so that’s a yes?

[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”

I weigh at least 17 squirrels

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night

me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri

A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.

Me: *scrunches my face*

13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.

Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.

No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.

never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome

For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?

“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.

[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.

I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.

Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”

“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.