Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.

Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”

Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.

Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire

Her: do we have an LED lightbulb

Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep

I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane

Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.

Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.

I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views

My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going

Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!

My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*

Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.

She was REALLY feeling it.

arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”

what does he know…

Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..

“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]

me: what’s our criminology class on?

friend: cannibalism

me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.

Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?

Me: no idea.

Daughter: a Dinosnore : )

Me: [sniff].

Daughter: are you crying?

Me: I’m just so proud of you.

her: I like my men strong

me: *lifts-*

her: but sensitive

me: *-a puppy*

Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?

1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato