*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
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“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
From Facebook just now…
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[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
💀
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undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
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Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮