Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.

Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.

Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?

Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.

Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.

My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.

This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong

Asking the real questions!

Justify your alcoholism by having children.

Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.

The Friday File.

some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.

I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat

-It’s raining men.

God: you’re a decapod.

Crab: what does that mean?

God: it means you have 10 legs.

Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.

God: at least you don’t have a hundred.

Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?

Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?

My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein

I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.

Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people

In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.

One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.

Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.