Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.

Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!

Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?

– cannibal dinner party

I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.

Me: What are you doing?!

5-year-old: Hugging my sister.

Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.

5:

Me:

5: The good ones do.

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.

How the tables have turned Kate.

flash mobs for serving divorce papers

Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work

Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over

NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits

1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.

One of them is lying.

Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is

Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.

Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.

dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician

*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*

*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil

Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃

Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.

How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.

If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.

ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…

{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…