[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
You Might Also Like
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent