Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”

breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!

(Inventing bathroom stalls)

Guy: should the door touch the ground

Other guy: how would we see their shoes?

How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?

Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.

He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..

[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

Did I break my fitbit record? yes

Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes

😂😂😂😂😂😂

I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.

GENIE: You have three wishes.

ME: I wish I had a million dollars.

GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.

“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”

Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea

[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.

King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again

King’s horses:

I apologise if I offended you.

And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.

Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community

Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.

Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked

*knuckle tats*

M A Y O N N A I S E

[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance

When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.

Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine