[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
You Might Also Like
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.