Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks

Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?

Everybody.

[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!!

[Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!

Wife: *asks question*

Me: *gives answer*

Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…

Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you

just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be

New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones

I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.

Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!

Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.

8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.

Me: You were only at school for two days.

8: You weren’t there.

My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.

People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now

Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?

Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming

I have a firm understanding of basic math.

Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.

When people ask “Are you high right now?”

It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.

Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”

Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML

Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.

Don’t ask.

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.

*performs CPR on the turkey*

“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.