Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!

H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.

M: I BROKE A NAIL!

Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.

plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving

No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.

With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.

one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”

Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable

Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?

I’d pay extra for that one.

[blind date]

HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*

ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am

Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too

Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.

Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.

Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x

Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?

For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*

Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.

Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?

Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.

*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.

Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?

Me: of course! please come in!

[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]

Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!

People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.

I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together

I learned 2 things today:

My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck

That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck

When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…

One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020

It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.