Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment

genie: please no
millipede: more legs

Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.

When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”

They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.

I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.

The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.

I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife

Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago

Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today

*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No

18 is TOO young to get married!

You can’t even buy booze at 18!

If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?

You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.

Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone

Other surgeons: what

How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.

After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.

Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.

I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.

Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*

Pet hermit crab: no wait go back

Announcer: welcome to house hunters

I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face

Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.

*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*

wtf?

“dad i can explain”

u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes

Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.

I have also decided to not buy Twitter.

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.

My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.

Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.

– No child ever.

my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?

my heart: yes and also start eating better?

my brian: do whta yuo liek.

me: love you, brian.