[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
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Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed