@sad_tree

[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*

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@jackmackenroth

When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.

@mexinonblonde

You’re a big fat liar! And I don’t believe anything you say!
See if I get naked for you again!!

-Me to my scale as I step off of it

@AbbyHasIssues

Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.

Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.

Guess we’re both living the dream

@BuckyIsotope

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

@RandomlyMJ

I just want to rub all over you……..

……..with the front end of my car.

@CruisinSoozan

I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.

@PyrBliss

If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.

@KevinFarzad

According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet

@Snarfernini

I’m a wealth of knowledge

Unless you want it to be true

Then I’m pretty solid on about 6 topics

2 of those might just be Doritos flavors