When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
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You’re a big fat liar! And I don’t believe anything you say!
See if I get naked for you again!!
-Me to my scale as I step off of it
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
I just want to rub all over you……..
……..with the front end of my car.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I’m a wealth of knowledge
Unless you want it to be true
Then I’m pretty solid on about 6 topics
2 of those might just be Doritos flavors