Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see a badly-tied bin liner.

Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.

My therapist after every session

Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*

Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*

People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.

Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.

CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot

Me, a sex machine: *sweating*

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.

Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill

“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”

Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?

When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.

Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.

Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”

It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.

me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights

her: “that’s not true”

text from Beth: that’s not true

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”

i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room

If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.

[Driving]

HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!

ME: Jealous?

I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.