Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.

Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me

Me: so when will I actually receive the shark

Loan Shark: what

Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD

Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop

Batman: *eyes welling*

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

KILLER [burying me alive]:

ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.

KILLER [calls the police]:

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.

My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|

Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht

Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.

Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM

Obama: Please just wave.

Biden:

You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me

anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death

“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”

Getting a good nights sleep

My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.

My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.

It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.

What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA

Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”

Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”

pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied

Mothra: [flying around]

Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.

5: mom i learned the months of the year!

me: oh yeah? what are they?

5: january…february…tuesday?

me: *tears up application to harvard

My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.