Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.

HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.

People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die

Me: pick and choose your battle.

My son: I choose every battle.

Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after

NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.

Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?

Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!

After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”

Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”

Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents

My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.

Wife: We need a new fridge.

Me: This is a terrible day.

Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.

Me: This is the best day of my life.

Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.

a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”

Me: Happy Easter!

Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!

Me: The Jesus thing?

Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!

Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That

When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.

Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.

One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.

Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.

4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”

Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.

4-year-old: We thank the microwave?

Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?

No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.

There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”