[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
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*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
The honesty is refreshing
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Comparing yourself to others
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!