[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
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“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
ew if literal: let me be clear
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go