Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips

Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.

Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.

Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.

Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block

Me: That was fun! Fist me!

Him: What?!

Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*

Him: …..

HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.

No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?

Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?

The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

[plane about to crash]

him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.

me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.

I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.

What did YOU think I’m talking about?

Weirdos!!

Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to

WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.

[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana

[Now]

M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!

Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?

He thought he had job security…

[having sex]

Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.

Her in her head: This could have been an email.

I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.

Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.

Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.

I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.

*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*

[wife texts me from France]

“Really?”

Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?

Doctor: How your diet?

Me: My what now?

telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”

saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes

told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card

Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.