Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.

I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.

I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.

#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness

I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.

Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?

Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.

This is a genius move

My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination

*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*

Horrifying if literal: a handbag

Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.

Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…

Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog

when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”

50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.

If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.

OMG this view is amazing!!!

– me opening the lid on the pizza box

I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone

Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.

Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion

And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.

Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower

In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.

Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday

If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.

We’re not going to try to do anything about it.

And that’s how small problems become large problems.

“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”

-Unorganized Crime