Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”

I can’t stop laughing 🤣

In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.

Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok

[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either

Boss: Can I see you in my office?

Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”

You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom

I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL

I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.

My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

[First date]

Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.

“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”

“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography

*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: wow that was really fast

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.

I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car

Hot singles in your area!

They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.

Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?

some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”

If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae

Him: you watch too much Food Network

Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote

Him: its toast and jelly

Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?

Spiritist: not tonight love.

Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber

ME: i’m not sure how to take that

BANK TELLER: exactly