Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.

[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany

FINE!!

So I misread the ad

Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler

It’s complicated.

-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.

ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”

DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well

ME: thanks tell my wife I love her

Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*

me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?

My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.

WAITER: how would you like your eggs

ME: nogged

Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)

9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake

Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)

9: What the heck was that?!

Me: Aftershock

I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004

I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING

7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

M: Join the club.

cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?

NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good

Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.

Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?

1: GENIUS!

A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.

Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.

I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.

“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”

-if Lassie had been a cat

My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!

Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)

Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car