Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.

My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.

People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”

I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter

Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.

if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears

*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*

Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—

Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?

Me: Your head.

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.

I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”

Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.

A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.

#MousseDay #RubbishJokes

i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other

My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.

Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.

Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?

[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?

My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…

I don’t know what he said after that.😑

I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky

I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]

Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32

Me: shit

Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*

Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.

her: I’m a cat person

me: I’m more of a dog pers-

her: [starts licking hind leg]

me: oooOoo k

My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.

“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE