Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.

A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.

WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door

ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?

love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes

This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.

The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.

Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner

spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is

I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”

Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly

10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house

Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying

Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.

Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours? ⁣
⁣

At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.

As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.

Harry: so a time turner turns back time

Dumbledore: yes

Harry: to, say, stop two murders

Dumbledore:

Harry: hello

Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol

[Element Support Group]

Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming

Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

Walking around the house in my undies again…

Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.