Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity

Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month

This is a genius move

[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet

whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”

me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000

her: sure

me: k

If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries

I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.

A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:

-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip

Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately

I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them

The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.

The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.

Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?

I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

House for sale. Spider on ceiling.

ME: There’s something fishy going on here.

YOU: It’s just an aquarium.

ME: Exactly.

[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been

Him: *gets the handcuffs out*

Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*

Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?

left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird

Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.

Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?

Me: No, I said I’d like to.

Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother

Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

grocery bagger: paper or plastic?

me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.

pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*