Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”

her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name

But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?

5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.

[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!

Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”

What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?

A Mootation

I want what they have

“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”

Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.

“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England

Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.

Millennial: blank stare

My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.

I have to go pack now. The movers are here.

Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.

The one hour wash on my dishwasher runs for 124 minutes.

So that makes sense

Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….

ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

Me: Want a back rub?

Wife: It depends

Me: On what?

Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?

Me:

Wife: No. The answer is no.

two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”

Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.

Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.

Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.

Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.

me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby

them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby

me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster

INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body

Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?

John Smith: …

Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you

Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.