Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.

The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem

me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally

[2015 Bird Awards]

AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN

(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)

centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm…okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop

I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?

Now then – what’s an oxymoron?

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?

Emma is smarter than all of us.

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?

With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M

*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)

If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!

Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

(before ceiling fans were invented)

*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*

Narrator: There has to be a better way…

As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York