Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.

I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today

Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted

Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

Maths meets science

We’re finally out of lockdown!!!

Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.

WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down

ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*

BEE *depressed* holy shit

Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.

Millennial: blank stare

Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.

Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.

just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress

Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.

[At the restaurant]

Her: Can you pass the salt, please?

Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.

me: but “greetings” is a greeting

jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes

Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”

Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.

Date: I love car chase action scenes

Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here

I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.

When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find

Generation gap…

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013

Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?

Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”

I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”

There stupid…

Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water

*First day as a police officer*

Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]