Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*

Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!

me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂

Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards

Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.

WebMD: In the morgue.

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon

*orders expensive cat bed*

*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*

*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*

*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*

“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see

Surgeon: scalpel.

[patient hands him scalpel]

Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.

My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.

Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.

Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?

My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.

When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.

what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????

Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.

~inspirational

My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.

I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.

This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen

A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?

Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.

People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”

Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”

People: “No, not like that.”

Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”

People: “Wait…”

Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”

Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem

“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,

Pee on it and walk away.”