[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
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Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.