Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
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walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
#Caturday
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday