Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
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Nobody ever collects famous first words.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?