Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
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To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
[adds another nod to the conversation]
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.