cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
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Breaking news:
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.