cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
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her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.