[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
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I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
For the ones in the back.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*