Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.

New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.

Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie

ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]

[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.

cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.

Rambo Rambow

[the middle of showering] I need a break

Genius.

I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment

KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant

*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!

Bank: You mean money?

*giggles*
Oh, bother…

– Pooh robbing a bank

I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.

I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.

Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL

Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.

gas pump: see attendant

me: looks like i no longer need gas

[If my dog could talk]

DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY

My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.

Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.

Cashier: “Have a great day!”

Me: “No thank you.”

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave

I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying

If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.