[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
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Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
The French word for sex is croissant.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess