Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.

Him: Do you gamble?

Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.

Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there

[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*

Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor

Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”

Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.

if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital

Botany good plants lately?

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.

When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids

My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers

My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.

When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.

me: for lent i’m giving up kids

kids: what?

me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

Jane: I miss England

Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant

Always this one for me forever

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.

“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text

Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died

Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”

Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi

My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?

Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…

My Kid: I want a poodle.

Me:…or a worm…

My Kid: POODLE!