Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.

Librarian: Nice try, pal.

Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!

Me: Sucks for you…

Kid: What?

Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same

[during sex]

Hand me my reading glasses

Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message

Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?

Good morning, Twitter x

Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.

Me: Why are you threatening me?

Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?

Me: Absolutely not.

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi

“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”

*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*

“Screw this!”

My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”

Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.

At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.

He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents

I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.

God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?

My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

Welcome to your 40s.

Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

Hub: What time is our movie tonight?

Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes

Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30

“Back off ladies. He’s mine”

Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”

I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.

Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.

*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*