*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
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Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Sorry. Not sorry
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”