Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate

eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.

If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.

So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.

Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:

IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…

that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.

All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.

These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.

4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….

Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.

[fancy restaurant]

ME: *combs my beard with a fork*

HER: what the hell man

ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?

Lucky for them, they’re cute

Drove past two First Baptist churches.

One of them is lying.

me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?

My wife has the worst taste in men.

It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.

Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly

My 4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: You’re spilling.

“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out

My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.

Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.

Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection

“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”

-butter

[on a date]

Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?

My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.

GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment

ME: finally a program for me

Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha

Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.

*drives to liquor store