*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
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breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
oh she’s cooked
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.
Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
San Francisco has too many rules
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.