*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
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The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Shower sex be like: