Covert ops
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you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.