Covert ops
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Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Me, flirting😏
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
When the stylist spins you back around
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.