Covert ops
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[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
thank god
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Growing out my freckles.