Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this

It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.

[CRIME SCENE]

COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!

PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*

Tastes victory

Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!

God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.

(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*

Put it all on Grey

My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot

Netflix and Will…

…you stop trying to touch me?

WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS

“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire

Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy

Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”

Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now

I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.

“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”

Mean The Same Thing.

Unless You’re At A Funeral.

🛁

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that

All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.

oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory

Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?

Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.

my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.

i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.

I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*