COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
