Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries

My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!

“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”

Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job

back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus

KITTEN: *flailing wildly*

MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off

KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*

MAMA CAT: excellent

🤷‍♀️

I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive

[surprising my bf at work]

Me: Hey you *wink*

Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave

[In the car]

4 year-old: What’s this song called?

Me: “Don’t Speak.”

[10 minutes of silence later]

Me: You alright buddy?

4: Yeah you said don’t speak.

Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.

I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭

Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.

* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.

Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.

Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would

Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet

Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting

One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.

If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.

Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).

[playing D&D&D]

Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?

throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..

> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat

I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.

monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure

I’ve disappointed better people.

[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.