COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
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If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
*gets down on one knee*
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
SONOFA
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Ah..makes sense now
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.