COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
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The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.