Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
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why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
lol
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Have a lovely day 😊
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
