Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
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I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
I’m good, thanks.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks