Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*teaching 13 to cut the grass

Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?

13: Yep

13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.

Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.

Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.

I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.

I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane

Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?

The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me

We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79

So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?

The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear

Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?

God: just turn around

Almost every animal: ok

Owl: I absolutely will not

My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂

Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.

Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…

Nothing.

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.

Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat

“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”

sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball

I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.

Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.

My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix

sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.

[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]

“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

Rose: I’ll never let go

Jack: are you sure aboat that lol

Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before

Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo

Rose: maybe you should let go

Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.

Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy