Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
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cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU