Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
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I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Called it
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out