Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.

i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover

*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?

*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*

Me: Can you describe the suspect?

Him: He was heavily armed

Me *writing octopus* this is bad

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”

Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?

I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.

It’s called “Miso Sad.”

How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.

Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.

So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.

Awesome parenting 😂

CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No

Dr: Are you sexually active?

Me: *cries*

Dr: Um, are you sexually-

Me: *cries harder*

Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?

Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK

[first day as undercover cop]

me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines

mobster:

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.

[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me

[Job interview]

Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?

Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.

Executive: You’re hired.

Me: I’ll start in a week.

Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.

[job interview]

“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”

Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?

Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.

Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?

Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.

C:

Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.

It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.

my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.

[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*