Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
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oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
My dog ate my work from home.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.