Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
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[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before