Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
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Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.