Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
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Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.