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Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.