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a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Yup
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.