covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
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every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
“I wouldn’t.”
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
The median voter
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function