covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
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Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
My kitchen overserved me.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”