covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
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I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
“I’m helping” 😅
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Every time.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”