covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
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My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.