covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
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Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
I’ve been off for 6 days. I’m afraid I’m too feral to go back to work.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.